Attack On Titan One Shots - Humor
by crimpsonkeys
Summary: A collection of one-shots bundled up into one fanfiction! This is mainly for humor, but we'll see how it evolves. Mostly Ereri.
1. Chapter 1

**All credit goes to ereri-pickup-lines for the idea! Thank you! Please check out (her?) tumblr!**

Loud crashing accompanied by Hange's frantic screams and giggles echoed down the dark hallways. If one didn't know the science loving freak they might assume some other not-to-be-named activity was going on, but was going on was just what science made her do. Sometimes, an emergency experiment popped up that just couldn't wait. Hange was a bit of an insomniac, and so these experiments usually happened to be around midnight, occasionally three in the morning.

This late night experiment, however, was different from the rest. It happened to be hazardous enough that if even the slightest thing were to go wrong, the entire headquarters could be filled with toxic, flammable gas (otherwise known as Arsine). Now, Hange didn't seem to think this was such a big deal, as she ran the experiment without even thinking twice. But, Inevitably, something was going to wrong.

"Uh oh," Hange pulled down the gas mask that had been resting on her head. "Better luck next time, I guess." She shrugged and took her time leaving the room, the disappointment of the experiment having failed taking away from her usually hyper attitude.

"I suppose I'll have to evacuate headquarters now," she mumbled boredly. "What a bother..."

The chilly evening air flowed through the hallways as the Survey Corps began to evacuate. They would have to do it quickly as well, Hange happened to be the only one with a gas mask. Eren hoped everyone was okay. He squeezed the hand of his lover as both of them (without pants on, thankfully they had boxers) ran through the hallways toward the entrance, and finally, the front yard.

All of the Survey Corps was there, even Sasha, who had stopped in the kitchen to grab food.

"Eren!" Mikasa ran toward the two of them, followed by Armin, Connie and Sasha.

"Wait a minute..." Connie looked confused. Why was Eren shirtless, and why was Corporal Levi wearing his shirt?

"Oh shit!" Connie looked away. Armin was blushing, and Mikasa looked like she was going to kill the corporal. Sasha was indifferent.

"What?" Eren wondered why everyone (excluding Sasha) was staring. Suddenly, he noticed he was shirtless and Levi had his shirt on, not to mention they were both in their boxers. "Oh..." Eren started blushing with the rest of them.

"Does anyone have a problem?" Levi spoke calmly, an eyebrow raised. There was silence.

The loud footsteps of the commander sounded behind them. Erwin Smith was smiling as he put a hand on Eren's shoulder.

"Well well, what do we have here?" Erwin could barely contain himself. For the first time, Levi joined the blushing.

"Ya know Levi, if you're having a rough night I'll allow a few days off," By now, Connie was smirking too.

"Shut up Erwin," Levi's voice was menacing, deadly.

"I'll make sure there's Advil in your supplies,"

"Erwin-"

The commander laughed.

"I'm just kidding, Levi," He smiled and winked.

"Noooooo," Levi buried his face in Eren's chest.

Eren smiled and played with his hair.

"Mikasa!" Armin yelled, restraining the soldier.

This was going to be a long night.

"Why was everybody making fun of Levi and Erwin," Sasha asked Connie innocently as they made their way to training.

"Because..." Connie blushed.

"IT'S BECAUSE CAPTAIN WAS GETTING THE D!" He hadn't meant to be so loud about it, but the subject made him uncomfortable and thinking Eren and Levi...

Sasha looked clueless.

"They were having sex, Sasha!"

She had no idea what they were talking about.

"What's that?"

Connie had an idea.

"Why don't you ask Commander Erwin?"


	2. Chapter 2

There was a sharp knock on Commander Erwin Smith's door. He looked up from the paperwork on his desk, deciding whether or not to answer. With a sigh, he relented.

"Come in,"

The door opened and a ray of light from the hallway flooded in, illuminating the room.

"Sir,"

In the doorway was a confused looking cadet. Red hair in a ponytail, golden eyes. Sasha Blouse. She saluted him, potato crumbs falling to the floor.

"What do you need? Is something on fire?"

"Not that I am aware of, sir," Sasha began. "I need to ask you a question."

What could be so serious that she had to ask the commander? There were plenty of senior soldiers around, and not all of them looked like they wanted to stab someone...

"This better be important. Quickly, please."

"Well... I just wanted to know... What's sex?"

Erwin must have looked like he saw a ghost. How could she so casually be asking that sort of question? Was this a joke? The unwavering expression on her face told him otherwise. She looked completely serious, she wasn't shaking or holding back laughter. She seemed genuinely curious.

 _There's something on fire now,_ Erwin thought. _My dignity.._.

"Oi, Erwin-" Levi stopped behind Sasha in the doorway. "The fuck..."

"Sir, I was just asking the Commander to tell me what sex was, when he froze up and he won't talk anymore,"

"Uh..." Levi seemed unsure about what to do.

"But I guess I could ask you, because Connie said you and Eren had 'sex'."

"Tha-That's Irrevant..." The Corporal began to stutter.

"Or you could show me! I like to learn by watching," Sasha began. "Where's Eren, can you do it here? Is it like a dance move? A handshake?"

"OK OKIE YEP SHUT UP NOW,"

"But Corporal, I really want to know! It's making me really curious! Corporal?"

Now both of the men in the room were frozen.

"LEEEVIIII!" A maniac shout came from somewhere down the hallway. "Eren's waiting for you! What is taking you so-" Hange Zoe burst through the door, nearly plowing Sasha over. "Erwin... Levi? Sasha, care to tell me what happened?"

"I asked Commander Erwin what sex was and he froze up, then Levi showed up and I thought, He probably knows, Connie said he did it with Eren so I asked him to show me and he froze up too."

Hange's shrill laughter cut through the silence.

"C'mon Sasha, I'll tell you **_everything_** ,"

"Okay!"

R.I.P. Erwin's and Levi's Digity, Sasha's innocence and all peace in the Survey Corps.

 **Sorry this is so short! I had writers block for the longest time! Had to force this chapter. I hope the next one's better!**


	3. Chapter 3

"What's up, Sasha?" Connie began, concerned for his friend. "You haven't touched your food."

Sasha hadn't been half as playful as she usually was, and the fact that she wasn't eating meant there was a serious issue.

"I'm..." the girl stopped, a twisted look forming on her face.

"Alright, Sasha, if this about the Erwin thing-"

" _You don't understand," she_ said, cutting her best friend off.

"Uhm..." Connie was at a loss for words.

"She told me everything there is to know about anything and everything related to... that subject... stuff she said she bet even most of the other cadets didn't know about! She told me EVERYTHING CONNIE! WHY AM I SO OBLIVIOUS!" Sasha stood up and left her seat, running from the room.

"Wait, Sasha-" Connie was running after her.

Hange had heard what was going on, but was virtually unaffected.

"What are they doing?" Levi asked. "Something about 'telling her everything'?"

"Oh, it was probably nothing," Hange said.

"If those two are fighting..." Levi sighed. "Then we really are going to hell."

Meanwhile, Eren was wondering why nobody could look him in the eye.

"What's wrong guys?" He asked, the child in him crying out for someone's attention. "Why are you all avoiding me?"

"We aren't avoiding you Eren," Armin said stiffly. "We're just getting over trauma."

"Trauma? What'd you mean? You can talk to me about it!"

The dining hall was busy, but it was not one bit as strange as what was happening not far outside of it.

"Ah, yes, perfect... Just a little bit more," Commander Erwin was standing in a front of a large mirror, eyebrow kit in hand. "Yes! Fuck yes! Gahhh, yes, just... yes," the man trailed off. Sasha, who was now looking for solitude, heard the noises coming from a nearby bathroom.

"It's everywhere! I want my innocence back!" Tears were streaming fresh down her face as she ran into her best friend Connie's arms.

"Sasha," Connie sighed, relieved. "What's wrong?"

"The... the bathroom.." She managed to mutter.

The boy put Sasha down, resting her gently on her feet. Angrily, he stomped over to the door, pushing it open with force.

"What the fuck man!" Connie stopped as he realized who he was talking to.

A shriek (more like a girly scream) pierced the air. Commander Erwin (now shaking) put the tweezers back in his bag. "I was just-"

"No," The boy stopped. "I don't even want to hear it."

 **Guys, I really needed to just get this out and finish the "Erwin, Sasha and Connie Akwardness," arc, even if it is clumsily wrote and generic. I hope the next chapters will be longer and fuller. Thank you all for the support!**


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